I have not always been a Christian. I didn’t even know what ‘saved’ meant until I was in my 20’s. Until then I thought going to church was just another activity people did like golf or bowling or something.
Now that I have a relationship with God I experience things in life differently than I did when I wasn’t a Christian. The stages of grief are a good example. Typically they are; denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.
When I was in high school my best friend was killed in a car accident. I remember clearly going through all of those stages. What I find interesting now, although it didn’t seem unnatural then, is that I was ‘bargaining’ with God…someone I didn’t believe existed. Then I was also angry at that very same God.
When my Dad died I was a Christian. I still did the denial (he will get better) but there was no bargaining. I trusted God. And there was no anger. Hard to be angry if you trust God. There was a moment of anger towards a Doctor who did something careless…but it was not the raging anger against ‘unfairness’ I had experienced before knowing God.
It is the same now with Vaquero. The stage of denial, hope maybe, thinking it wasn’t really that bad. No bargaining. No anger. Yes on the depression with and a creeping level of acceptance. It is almost as if I am a dried out sponge trying to absorb the fact he is gone.
Is this part of the meaning behind 1 Corinthians 15:54-56?
“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”