Stacy Westfall Horseblog

I have not always been a Christian. I didn’t even know what ‘saved’ meant until I was in my 20’s. Until then I thought going to church was just another activity people did like golf or bowling or something.

Now that I have a relationship with God I experience things in life differently than I did when I wasn’t a Christian. The stages of grief are a good example. Typically they are; denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.

When I was in high school my best friend was killed in a car accident. I remember clearly going through all of those stages. What I find interesting now, although it didn’t seem unnatural then, is that I was ‘bargaining’ with God…someone I didn’t believe existed. Then I was also angry at that very same God.

When my Dad died I was a Christian. I still did the denial (he will get better) but there was no bargaining. I trusted God. And there was no anger. Hard to be angry if you trust God. There was a moment of anger towards a Doctor who did something careless…but it was not the raging anger against ’unfairness’ I had experienced before knowing God.

It is the same now with Vaquero. The stage of denial, hope maybe, thinking it wasn’t really that bad. No bargaining. No anger. Yes on the depression with and a creeping level of acceptance. It is almost as if I am a dried out sponge trying to absorb the fact he is gone.

Is this part of the meaning behind 1 Corinthians 15:54-56?

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

My husband has perfect timing.

As we drove home from Kentucky with an empty horse trailer he reminded me that we still have Vaquero with us in a way. Standing in our pasture are some reminders of him. You see Vaquero’s mom was Can Can Lena who was out of a mare named Can Can Dyna. His name was TSW Can Can Vaquero.

We decided to keep the ‘Can Can’ in the names but in a slightly different way. So some of his foals include:

I Think I Can Can

I Can Can You

I Know I Can Can

Vaquero has eight foals that carry on his name. When the time comes to ride them my wish is that they will remind me of their dad….at least I hope they can can:)

For over 30 years I have owned horses. For a good part of that time I have trained them as a profession. In that time I have not experienced the death of a horse often. My first horse, pony actually, was 16 when I got her. She died at 32 and it was not unexpected at her age.

Then I got off pretty easy until the last five months. Two years ago we did have a foal die. It was hard with such a young promising life but again I realized that with the number of horses I have owned, trained and loved I should be prepared for things like this.

But the last five months have been crushing. In December my first horse, Bay, who again was 30 years old (so it was not sudden and unexpected) had to be put down.

And then in February, Roxy. I know I didn’t own her but we did have a special relationship. It was sudden and shocking.

And now Vaquero. I walked into the vet clinic guessing I would not have a show horse anymore but also thinking he would easily be a pasture pet for the rest of his life. Now his stall is empty. Roxy wasn’t here with me when she died. She had been at Greg’s house for a couple of years so although I was shocked there was no empty stall.

There is an empty stall now.

Misty and Bay were old and it was expected and both were at my moms

house. Roxy was shocking and her stall was at Greg’s.

If I didn’t already have horses, like Popcorn, that I have a relationship with I don’t think I would even go to the barn.

I know many of you out there know what I am talking about. I know others have felt this loss and had to look at the empty stall. That also tells me that you understand how hard the last 5 months have been. Thank you for supporting me and putting up with my sad blog posts:(

Thank you Maria for sharing this:

I’ll lend you for a little while my grandest foal, He said.
for you to love while he’s alive and mourn when he is dead.
It may be one or twenty years, or days or months, you see,
but will you, till I take him back, take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
you’ll have treasured memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught on earth I want this foal to learn.
I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, with trust, I’ve chosen you.
Now will you give him total love, not think the labor vain,
nor hate me when I come here to take him back again?
I know you’ll give him tenderness and love will bloom each day,
and for the happiness you’ve known, forever grateful stay
But should I come and call for him much sooner than you’d planned,
you’ll brave the bitter grief that comes, and someday, understand.

I read a quote once that went something like this:  “Life is not fair. Once you accept that- you will appreciate the good times when they are here.”

I will remember Vaquero like this:

This is a picture of his neck x-ray. If you follow the line that runs through the bones –that is his spinal column. If you look from the right side of the photo and move left you will see a bony finger that sticks into the spinal column. It is a bony, arthritic growth that sometimes happens in horses and is considered a growth defect. Not caused by injury, etc. just the way he grew.

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of years ago we decided to geld Vaquero. We made that decision for HIM.  As a stallion he spent his life alone and couldn’t be turned out with friends (he drove them crazy).  So we gelded him even though we knew he would go on and win.  And he did go on and win. He was shown three times bridleless and was undefeated. And by gelding him we lost the money we could have made. And I never regretted it because he got to play with his friends like in this video:

 

This decision was even harder than that one but again we know it was for HIS best.

Vaquero May 18, 2005 to May 7, 2012

 

We made it to Kentucky and Vaquero arrived safely at Rood & Riddle. They had plenty of people on hand to help steady him as needed. He is now in an upscale stall complete with air conditioning! He also has all the medical attention that a horse could need.

In fact with this weekend being Derby weekend they are staffed extra due to the race. The official track vet is from R&R! Vaquero is in great hands.

I am happy that he can rest and that these experienced people can help keep him comfortable. It was concerning treating him at home as some of the drugs that he needs to help him right now also have side effects like founder, etc. and we don’t need to add any more problems. With the IV that they hung they have more options to keep him both comfortable and safe.

Vaquero and I drove to Kentucky last night for an early morning vet exam to figure out what has been going on with him. I was glad to see that he unloaded from the trailer ride last night with the same level of discomfort he was experiencing at home-at least the ride had not aggravated anything. It also seemed like a good idea to break up the drive over two days for the same reason.

The staff was great even last night as I checked in around 10pm. When I arrived this morning Vaquero looked comfortable and I found Brent, who works with Dr. Reed, already gathering information on Vaquero. He told me that the exam would begin soon and shortly after that took me (and Vaquero) to meet Dr. Reed (what a nice guy!).

The exam went well, or whatever you want to call it when your horse doesn’t exactly look right… and soon Dr Reed had us headed to x-ray. He discovered in the first set of x-rays that there is some arthritis and is/was concerned that this is the source of the problem. He explained that Vaquero could have simply been playing or running and slipped in the pasture and aggravated and already existing condition. He said it is similar to a human who has back issues and then moves wrong or slips and instantly experiences sharp pain. I (Stacy) have arthritis in my neck and have had back issues my whole life so I know what he is talking about. For most of my 20’s it was normal for me to be walking along and then have such a pinching in my hips that it would almost drop me to my knees…then I would come up ‘lame’ and limp along. Anyway, back to Vaquero.

Dr Reed also wanted to test for EPM which required a spinal tap. His thought there was that it would be nice to rule it out as it would be unfortunate to decide it was all in his neck and leave something like EPM sneaking under the radar. I was happy to learn that the tests for EPM have improved over the years and are more accurate than they were. Those results will not be back until tonight.

In the end we talked about options and I have chosen a three part thought process. We will go home and wait on a few more test results and begin a month of rehab. Then depending on his progress it will be decided what to do next. Some options are injections in the neck, injecting dye for contrast to get even more specific answers to if his spinal cord is indeed being pinched, and even possible surgery.

I told Dr Reed that with Vaquero only being seven I wanted to take the route that had the highest likely hood of him reaching a happy, comfortable twenty seven. So that is the path we are on. Keep him in your prayers and I will keep you posted.